Bullshitting your way to ISO Certification

ISO certification is one of the most sought after and prestigious certifications that is out there. Every organization worth its salt, will covet one. Of late, getting ISO certification seems to be pretty easy. You put in few hundred man hours and you are good to go. I call it bullshitting your way to ISO certification. So, what does these companies do to get their ISO certification ? Here is the gyan for all ISO aspirants. Here is a 5 step process to get easy ISO certification.

Salvage all operations manual (1 day)

This is the first step. Try and salvage every piece of operations guide that can be salvaged. Nothing is non-sense even if they don't make any sense. Get them all. get them now. Get them here.

Juice the managers (4 days)

Over work, over work and over work the managers. There won't be another chance to bully all the nincompoop's at the same time. They are the ones who need to make sense out of these operations manual and create new ones in line with ISO standards. By the end of the deadline, each manager must be ISO ready and ensure his/her team is ISO ready
PS::By ISO ready, we mean that the ISO aligned documents are ready (managers) and the team is informed of the location of these new documents and instructed to open only them during inspection.

Create Panic (2 days)

Spread the word. After two days, the workplace will be a bit short of Kurkshetra, everyone psyched up and throwing up

Leverage Network

Track the external auditors and use your network to get "friendly people on board

D Day

Give paid leave to weak links and if not leave, hide them in store room and restrooms. When the auditors arrive, take them out to a secluded office room and feed them with the documents there(you play your cards well, this will be a cake walk)

Last Word

ISO certification was started with a honourable vision. To improve quality of work. But the process is so abused, that it doesn't make sense anymore. So, don't bullshit your entry level employees with all the processes and protocols. Just get the damn thing done.